


they can't change what we started

by krewella



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cyrus' Internal Monologue, F/M, Homophobic Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-12 16:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19949401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krewella/pseuds/krewella
Summary: Andi has Jonah, Buffy has Marty, and Cyrus has TJ. But does he really?





	they can't change what we started

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back already. I'm sure y'all are excited. 
> 
> AU still in the works, but this idea was bouncing in my head after the title inspiration song, Keeping a Secret by Bleachers. 
> 
> I was gonna make it sad, but my fingers kept typing and made it happy. 
> 
> Catch me yelling about AM on Twitter @codysnoei! Hope you enjoy!

Cyrus is trudging home way past his curfew, phone clutched in his hand like it’s a lifeline. He had just left TJ at their place: the swings. 

~

It had been perfect - TJ had surprised him with a chocolate chocolate chip muffin, because he had complained earlier that he didn’t get one at school. He even managed to sneak a kiss in to show his gratitude even though TJ despised PDA. 

Except it was after dark and no one could see them anyway. That was the rule - they could only be together when no one else would know. 

After seeing how Buffy lit up when Marty kissed her on the cheek after he showed up at her locker and how Jonah wrapped an arm around Andi’s shoulders at the Spoon, his time with TJ felt hollow. Incomplete. 

He had barely finished his muffin when TJ looked worriedly down at his phone, “Shit, I’m sorry Underdog, my dad figured out I’m not at home. I’m gonna be in so much trouble.” 

Their hug was lingering as Cyrus tried to take in everything he loved about his boyfriend. 

Something about the way TJ’s expression softened every time he looked at Cyrus made Cyrus feel like he was on Cloud 9. He’s not sure TJ knew he was doing that and he wasn’t going to tell him. It was something just for him and he treasured it. 

Cyrus desperately wanted to go in for another kiss, but he already pushed it with the first one so he let it be. 

TJ had hurried out of the park with one last smile thrown over his shoulder and Cyrus sat quietly on the now-abandoned swing set. The creaking of the swing besides him just emphasized the fact the time he and TJ had carved out for each other had come to an end. 

~

Cyrus’ phone buzzes in his hand with a goodnight message from TJ punctuated with an obnoxious amount of heart emojis. It’s enough to draw a smile from him as he slips back into his house. 

He just wants more. 

~

TJ and Cyrus’ first date wasn’t really a planned thing at all. TJ had convinced him to go back and try dirtbiking again. Cyrus wasn’t really too enthusiastic about it, but he loved the way TJ looked when he talked about taking Cyrus out there. 

He was predictably awful at it and TJ had looked more terrified for his wellbeing than he did which was impressive. 

He had stumbled off the bike, barely making it to solid ground and TJ had reached out to steady him. 

That was when Cyrus finally looked at TJ in a different light. The sun reflected off his hair and his eyes were filled with concern, but they were so, so _green_. Cyrus decided he could drown in them and it’d be worth it. 

He had made an impossible stupid decision in that moment and he rose up just enough to kiss TJ. TJ hadn’t reacted at first and Cyrus was filled with shame and regret until TJ sputtered out, “Wait, really?” 

He had run his hand through his hair, messing up the carefully-styled look he usually had. 

Cyrus was still in shock at his own boldness, but he musters up enough curious to nod. 

“What do you think?” Cyrus forced himself to whisper, voice wavering ever so slightly. 

TJ glanced around furtively and returned the kiss albeit much more briefly than the one Cyrus initiated. 

“Yeah.” 

~

Cyrus remembers their first date fondly, but it sours this memory a little when he realizes the reason TJ looked around was to make sure no one could see him. 

Cyrus doesn’t understand why he keeps hanging out with Reed and Lester when they clearly don’t like Cyrus and by extension, the real TJ. 

“They’re my boys,” TJ had told him when Cyrus pressed him for answers. Cyrus doesn’t think that’s enough, but he isn’t going to push it when this relationship is already so fragile, so new. 

But he sees Reed whisper “fag” behind his back at school and Lester is always making insensitive jokes and he doesn’t see why TJ would want them around. 

Andi, Buffy, and Jonah aren’t like that. He knows they aren’t - they were so supportive when he came out. He hates that he can’t tell them about any of this. 

TJ had made him promise after their first kiss that it had to be just between them. Maybe Cyrus agreed because TJ means so much to him, but sometimes he thinks about if maybe he said yes because he’s afraid of being alone. 

Andi has Jonah, Buffy has Marty, and Cyrus has TJ. But does he really? 

~~~

School is much of the same. Cyrus stays to his side with his friends; TJ sits at his table with his friends, if you could call them that. 

Cyrus secretly hopes the basketball team is better, but he’s familiar with locker room talk and he doesn’t think it’s known for its lack of toxicity. 

It’s not his place even though he wants it to be, because the last thing he wants to do is to scare TJ off. 

TJ sends him a cute relationship meme while they’re both at lunch and Cyrus catches his eye from across the room. Cyrus returns his grin, but his heart isn’t in it. 

Is this what a relationship is supposed to be? Is it supposed to be this hard? 

He keeps trying to compare himself to his best friends’ relationships, but he can’t. He’s different.

He’s known he’s been different since he was five years old and he decided that boys are prettier than girls. He told his parents as much and they laughed it off as a preschooler’s fantasies, but it’s never changed. 

They love him all the same, all four of them. So why does he feel so empty? 

~~~

He doesn’t find out about TJ’s dad until later. He doesn’t think that TJ wanted him to know at all, but Cyrus feels completely shut out and he’s tired. 

He deserves to know why he can’t see his boyfriend until past twilight and why TJ seems so jumpy all the time. The only time TJ seems to be himself around Cyrus is over text and Cyrus wants, _needs_ more. 

The fight starts at the swings because, of course, it does. 

Cyrus is already threatening to spill over by the time TJ sits in the swing next to him. He’s frustrated and upset that he has to go back into the closet for someone. 

He had promised himself that once he came out - that would be it. Why should he have to sit by and pretend to be alone when his friends get to be happy? Andi and Buffy had pestered him endlessly about his potential crushes, because they’re his best friends and they’re nosy. 

Cyrus always waved them off with a laugh that felt less and less convincing as time wore on. 

TJ looks like he’s going to say something mundane about his day and Cyrus cuts him off, a migraine already threatening to strike: “Why are we a secret? It’s not because of your friends, is it? Are you embarrassed by me? Am I too flamboyant for you?” 

TJ looks shocked and his mouth hangs open. Cyrus almost thinks he has no response to that, but TJ clears his throat shakily. 

“It’s my dad. He hates people like you and me,” TJ replies slowly like he can’t articulate himself the way he wants. 

“He’s always talking about how the gays are going to ruin this great country and I just have to stand there and listen,” TJ struggles through saying “gay” like it physically pains him to speak the word. 

Cyrus supposes when it’s been drilled into your head from a young age that liking boys when you’re a boy is wrong - it would be difficult. 

“I’m not embarrassed by you. You’re the one good thing in my life,” TJ’s voice is stronger now as he meets Cyrus’ eyes. 

TJ reaches out to grab Cyrus’ hand and Cyrus can feel how he’s trembling and he hates that he made TJ feel this way. He just squeezes his hand, hoping all the warmth and love he’s projecting somehow passes through. 

“I’m sorry we can’t tell your friends. You know I see you sitting alone and I would do anything to be able to sit next to you. I’m sorry I can’t be more for you,” TJ looks down at his lap and Cyrus thinks he might be tearing up. 

“TJ, I promise you that you always have me and my friends. People might talk, but I’m here. You have to know I’m here,” Cyrus feels crushing guilt at thinking he was the only one who was alone when TJ was worse off than he was. 

“I know, Underdog,” TJ’s smiling now and Cyrus melts all over again. It isn’t fair to see how TJ affects him when they’re supposed to be fighting. He came in here ready to pick a fight and now all he wants to do is kiss him. 

Cyrus gets up from his swing and fits himself the best he can into TJ’s embrace as they sit in silence, letting the moonlight wash over them. 

“Do you think I could tell Andi and Buffy? What happens in Andi Shack stays in Andi Shack,” Cyrus asks the question carefully, not wanting to upset the delicate balance they just achieved. 

“Yeah, I think that might be a good idea,” TJ replies, his voice soft and low. They’ve slipped down into the mulch in a tangle of limbs, but Cyrus could stay pressed up against TJ’s chest forever. 

The steadiness of his heartbeat is comforting and Cyrus feels more at peace than he had in awhile. 

“I wasn’t sure if this would work,” Cyrus finds himself speaking up, almost surprising himself. 

TJ stills, the hand running down the length of Cyrus’ back coming to a stop. 

“It was an awful feeling being with you and feeling alone, TJ, you have to understand that. I had to swallow my feelings every time I saw you in school when all I wanted to do was hold your hand in the hallway. It didn’t seem fair. Why couldn’t we be us?” Cyrus is rambling now, unable to hold his emotions back after weeks of bottling them up. 

“I’m tired of feeling different. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be the gay kid who came out in middle school. I want to be Cyrus Goodman. I want to be able to have more of a legacy than being gay. I want to be able to have a boyfriend without it being scrutinized by everyone who sees us together. Why is that so wrong?” Cyrus continues as he struggles to process his thoughts. 

He knows he’s talking too much and probably overwhelming TJ, but TJ has been listening the whole time without a word. He hasn’t left or responded negatively. It feels good. It feels good to finally be heard by someone who understands. 

“Jonah and Andi get to be all over each other in math class and Marty is always by Buffy’s locker with some stupid pun he’s come up with to make her laugh. I want to do that with you.”

“Well, maybe not the PDA in math class, that’s a bit too much,” Cyrus amends, making TJ snort behind him. 

TJ wraps an arm around Cyrus’ waist and simply replies, “You’re right.” 

Cyrus expects him to say more, but he knows TJ is a man of few words and doesn’t wait to hear more. 

They lean against each other as the wind blows through the trees surrounding them and the crickets chirp. It’s peaceful for once. 

TJ surprises him by leaning down for a kiss before he leaves, one that promises more. 

~~~

Cyrus is back in bed at home when he gets a text from TJ. 

_“What if we stop keeping a secret?”_


End file.
